In sickness and in health
by Tyara
Summary: Mearad is ill and Cadvan takes care of her. They stay in an inn pretending to be husband and wife once again. Because she's bored she askes him to tell her about his past and some of his secrets.


For once we were staying in a tavern again, pretending to be married yet again. It wasn't the most intelligent plan, neither was it as funny as her pretending to be my son or my daughter. But it was a plan that always worked and that's what counts. I was sitting on the carpet in front of the fireplace where the golden flames were still making the small room look romantic somehow.

These were the moments in which I wished we would truly be married or at least lovers or well more than just friends. I turned my head to look at her sleeping form on the bed. It hurts. She should be mine alone.

She shifted under her blanket and her lips moved, she said something, but I couldn't hear it. I stood up and walked closer to her. I sat down by the bed and brushed her hair out of her face. She was still feverish, her head was glowing hot and that's the reason why I'm still awake and why I still can't go to sleep and why we came here in an inn in the middle of nowhere. I went into our bathroom and got a small towel, pouring cold water onto it before going back to Maerad and placing it on her forehead. She was moving restless and I had to adjust the towel every time she threw her head from one side to the other. 'Cadvan…' her voice was barely audible, I couldn't help but smile. Once again I tried to get her fever down with magic and failed miserably. I was barely able to concentrate on what I'm doing. But suddenly I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore.

As I woke up I felt Maerad's hand in mine, I tried to pull it back but her hand closed even tighter around mine. I smiled weakly and looked up at her. Her eyes were closed and she was still sleeping. I placed a gentle kiss on her hand as I pulled mine away and stood up, stretching before walking out of our room. I slowly walked downstairs.

'Good morning Sire.' A woman in a corner said, I recognised her as the innkeepers woman. 'Wish anything for breakfast?'

'Good morning.' I replied and nodded 'Anything with mushrooms is welcome and tea, and if you have any medicine for a feverish woman, I would greatly appreciate it.' I said and faked a smile. She nodded as she rose to her feet and went to the kitchen 'If you'd wait here, I'll bring you something to eat, for 2 I suppose?'

'Aye, thank you.' I stared at the wall on the other side of the room and wondered how Maerad was feeling at the moment. I felt horrible for leaving her alone, if she'd wake up all alone in the room…_She shouldn't be alone…not ever again._ I thought and mentally kicked myself for leaving her alone in the room.

'Sir, the food and medicine you asked for.' I gasped in surprise and shock, I hadn't seen or heard her coming back.

'Thank you' I said and placed the coins on the table for her before I left and headed back to Maerad. I went in as quietly as possible. She was still sleeping and I sighed relieved. I poured some of the medicine into the hot tea and added some sugar.

'Maerad.' I whispered and gently brushed her hair out of her face once again. I took the towel from her face and spoke again 'Maerad, wake up please.'

'Cad…Cadvan…' She slowly opened her eyes and looked at me weakly smiling as she smelled the tea I held in my hand for her.

'Good morning Maerad.' I whispered and helped her to sit up straight in the bed.

'Good morning. Have you even slept? You look so tired Cadvan.' She whispered weakly, her voice shaking.

'Not much, but you shouldn't worry about me.' I handed her the tea and set the rest of our food on the bed between us.

We ate in silence and I watched her drinking her tea and eating the mushrooms and toast. As I put my last mushroom in my mouth I stared at her, _even though she was sick, she was still more beautiful than everyone else I've ever seen. Dernhil was sure handsome, Ceredin was beautiful in every way, Nerili was sure beautiful too and Ardina is breathtaking. But Maerad? I can't even find a word to describe her appearance, Breathtaking, gentle, beautiful, gorgeous….none of them would-_

'Cadvan, I'm sorry to be such a burden to you.' She whispered, I shook my head to get my thoughts back to where they should be.

'You aren't a burden to me, you never were and you never will be Maerad.' I said gentle and smiled weakly, somehow glad that she took my mind away from those thoughts.

'I am, if I weren't sick you could just-'I put a finger to her lips and silenced her.

'Stop that Maerad. If you weren't with me, I would be dead by now, crushed by the power of the Landrost. If you weren't here, there'd be no one to keep Sharma from killing every living thing in Edil-Amarandh and…there are a lot more reasons why I'm glad to have you with me which…I cannot even name now Maerad.' She sighed but there was a look of relieve on her face.

'I really think you should sleep Cadvan.' She said with concern in her voice and I shook my head.

'No, I should have an eye on you, you're sick and you need to recover, you're the one who should sleep.' She sighed again and murmured something I didn't understand. But it sounded pretty much like 'stupid man and his damn concern.' I smiled and put the tray out into the hallway before I put some wood into the fire and sat down near the flames.

'Cadvan, could you…just…talk to me please?' She asked quietly and I turned my head to face her.

'What do you want to hear?' I let myself fall onto my back and looked at her, she threw one of the cushions at me and I smiled softly at her. I turned so I could look at her easier.

'Anything, just something about…you.' She whispered the last thing shyly and I smiled and hummed 'I already told you that…my father wouldn't let me go with the bard's of Lirigon that visited us every year. And that a Hull called Likud tried to persuade me to go with him…well when Likud was at our house he showed me many things that only bards or better said only a Hull would do. I was fascinated by what he did he showed me the citadel of Afinil in a small ball of pure darkness. It was an incredible sight that citadel. I always wished that I could have seen it in reality. It was so big, built with sand coloured stones. The windows were like colourful mosaics. There was one that showed a warrior and another one that looked like a black horse, a rose and some mosaics even looked like books, I suppose the library was behind those windows.'

I paused to look at her and think about the past. She looked at me with interest and amazement lingering in her eyes. 'That's all I remember of the image he showed me. Well he tried to tell me something too. I can't remember though I just sneaked away and stole his mount to ride to Lirigon. I didn't care about what I left behind or if he'd be angry. I didn't know what a Hull was at that age so why should I've cared about it. I was overwhelmed as I stood at the gates of Lirigon, they were open and I dismounted to run inside without further thinking about Likud or the horse I left behind.' I smiled at her and thought that she was asleep but she still looked at me with her shining eyes.

'You already know that my mentor and teacher was Nelac and you know Dernhil.' I sighed and liked my lips slowly, I shouldn't tell her this…'Dernhil and I were best friends, after Ceredin's death that is. We annoyed Nelac most of the time because both of us always wanted to be better than the other in everything. Nelac once said' I tried to sound like Nelac did back than 'If it weren't a fact that you are both male, I would say you'd make the best couple I've ever seen.' I smiled and she laughed with so much joy 'I don't think Nelac knew that he wasn't completely mistaken. Even if it was just an accident or something of that sort, you should know. We were at a ball and the whole hall was crowded, I've never seen so many people in one room, we didn't like it there. So we and some friends left the hall with a few bottles of wine and went to my room.'

I paused again and looked at her, she had such a curious look on her face 'We were 6, 5 boys and one girl. We drank the wine and thought of playing truth or dare. We sat in a circle and had a bottle and the one it pointed it had to choose which kind he wanted to have. Well, as you can probably guess Nelac said his comment in front of a lot of people. I was asked if I liked Dernhil-of course I do. The other round I was asked if I think he's handsome. Who wouldn't? And Dernhil got about the same questions. I was also asked if I had done more with Dernhil than just idle chatting and being stupid which I didn't. As I had enough of those stupid questions I said dare. And the girl chose what I had to do. She told me to either kiss Dernhil or to go to Nelac and tell him how much I loved him. Dernhil smiled at me gently and stood up, I shook my head slightly and placed a soft and chaste kiss on his lips, hoping that the girls needs would've been satisfied with that. Dernhils turn, he also chose dare and one of the other guys told him to press me against the wall and kiss me passionately or…well let's say the other thing was disgusting…you don't even want to know about it. He chose to act with me anyway.' I sighed and she smiled at me gently.

'He helped me to my feet and stumbled to the nearest wall with me. He whispered into my ear that he was sorry that we wouldn't remember it the next day, because he'd prefer to remember it at least. My eyes widened but I didn't get the chance to say anything as he pulled me into a kiss.' I paused once more to look at Maerad.

'Can you remember how it felt?' She asked softly and looked straight into my eyes I nodded.

'Of course, I remember it' I smiled at her weakly. 'Wet and it tasted like wine and ale. Even though I must admit that his tongue was warm and gentle.' I laughed and closed my eyes shortly before I looked back at her 'Anyway, after that last act we sent the others home. Dernhil and I stayed in our room. Yes we shared a room, like every other pupil must do too. Just that we usually didn't share a bed too. He was so drunk, we fell onto my bed together and slept the whole night peacefully. Well I did, he stood up once because he had the urge to throw up. He never remembered that night afterwards, I think, and if he did, he never mentioned it again.'

'You can share a bed with me tonight or today, whatever the right term might be, but I don't want you to lie on the ground. Please, come up into the bed, it's big enough Cadvan.' She whispered and her cheeks flushed, not just because she was still feverish. I couldn't deny her wish and took the pillow with me as I stood up and went to the bed to lie down there. She looked at me and raised her eyebrow a bit 'You don't really want to sleep like that so you?' She asked.

'No, but I don't plan to sleep now.' She turned to her side and faced me.

'Go on…talk to me Cadvan.' She whispered again and I smiled slightly.

'About what?' I asked her once more and she smiled.

'A secret of yours.' She said quietly and looked at me. I opened my mouth just to close it again and stared at her. I already told a secret of my past I wouldn't ever dare to tell anyone else but her. I have another secret I would know immediately, but I wouldn't tell. It would destroy everything we built up. The secret I kept best from her is that I love her more than anything, more than my own life and that my life wouldn't be worth anything if it weren't for her. But I cannot and I will not tell her this. I had to find something else to tell her now. But how should I? I'm here with her and so close to her I can hear her breathing slowly I can feel her moving next to me and I can feel her looking at me intently. I couldn't focus on thinking about something else, but I had to. I breathed deeply and played with a button on my shirt until it was opened by accident. I smiled at her.

'Another secret…Well you already noticed that I always wear black I suppose.'

'Of course, and it looks great.' She looked at me, she was so adorable.

'Yeah, that's another thing that is to thank Dernhil for. It was a week after the ball that Dernhil and I went shopping together. He looked incredible with that brown shirt and the blue cloak. He walked through the whole store before he came back to me with a tight black button down shirt and black pants. He smiled at me and told me that I had to give it a try. I went to the back of the store and he came with me. I put on the pants and the shirt and he stood behind me, reaching around me to close the buttons slowly. As we looked into the mirror he leaned his head on my shoulder and whispered into my ear that he thought I looked handsome like that. I smiled at his reflection in the mirror and thanked him. He just smirked and stood straight up again, making his way to the owner to pay our things and we left to go back to our room.'

'You know Cadvan…I think he could clearly remember the night and your kiss.' I heard her whispering and nodded.

'I know that he did…But I never considered myself more than a friend of his.' I sighed and closed my eyes.

'You think…he ever imagined you as more than his friend?' She asked carefully and I nodded.

'Yes I do think he did, and he wasn't the only one. Even I tried to imagine it once but the thought of trying it, never really occurred to me.' That was an awful lie and I could in her face that she knew this as well, but she didn't say anything about it. Someone knocked at our door and she wanted to stand up, but I held her back and put the blanket back around her. I stood up lazily and went to open the door.

'Good evening Sir, since neither you nor your wife came down to get some food I thought I would bring you some wine and a dinner for two, just like candles and roses.' She smiled and I paid for everything before she left.

I put it onto the table and smiled satisfied as I was finished. I walked up to her and carried her to her chair. I adjusted the blanket around her shoulders and sat down on the opposite side. We ate quietly and I stared at her half the time I think. It would be foolish to think that she didn't ever notice it. After dinner I helped her back into her bed, or tried to, she took my hand with hers and looked at me 'I want to go outside…it…it's snowing.' She whispered and coughed. I smiled and nodded I got one of my cloaks and put it around her shoulders before I put the blanket around her again and put a cloak on myself. I opened the door to the balcony and followed right after her, closing the door so it wouldn't get cold inside.

'Beautiful…' I whispered without thinking about it as I looked at Maerad who was spinning around in the snow and already had a snow crown on her head. She turned and smiled at me brightly.

'More than just beautiful…' she said, I was so glad that she didn't know I meant her. I stood behind her and felt her leaning against me. I put my arms around her as I felt she was shaking.

'We should get back inside.' I whispered and felt her nodding before guiding her back into the room and closing the door. She lay on the bed and looked at me again. I placed the tablet in the hallway again and opened my shirt before climbing into the bed. She looked frightened but she didn't say anything until she turned around.

'Good night Cadvan.' She said softly and closed her eyes.

'Good night Maerad.' I said softly and watched her yet again. I touched her forehead lightly, it was still hot. I stroked her cheek gently, without even wanting to do so. I pulled my hand back and looked into the fire 'Maerad…' I whispered._ If I could just tell her…how much I love her. Why did I even tell her about my youth will Dernhil and Nelac…I'm more stupid than I ever thought I could be! At least I didn't tell her everything about it or about Ceredin. Everyone says I'm one of the most intelligent bards and still I act like a complete idiot around Maerad. _

I looked over at her again, she was shifting restless and she was talking in her sleep. 'Cadvan…please…Dernhil…no…why…don't leave…' I bit my bottom lip at those words I reached for her and gently shook her at her shoulder until she opened her eyes.

'Maerad…what were you dreaming?' I asked and saw that she was blushing slightly.

'Nothing…' She tried to say, more sounding like a question. I took her hand and held it gently in mine, once again my hand was acting on its own accord. She looked at our hands and blushed even more as she looked back up.

'You were talking in your sleep, something about me and Dernhil.' I bit my lip hoping it wasn't really about what I told her, I didn't want her to imagine such things. She must have seen this fear in my eyes.

'It wasn't about you and Dernhil, not that way. I couldn't dream about that…it would…' she sighed and looked into my eyes.

'What?' I asked quietly and caring.

'It would hurt me. Don't get me wrong I mean…it wouldn't be a bad thing to imagine but I just can't. It hurts to much in chest and it makes me jealous because I…I'm to scared and I don't know how I should describe it to you.' She mumbled and sounded so insecure.

'What were you dreaming than Maerad?' I stroked her hand with my thumb lightly.

'I saw Dernhil…dying and you…you stood next to me and you couldn't move and…and' She swallowed hard and continued quietly 'the Hulls were around you and as they left you fell…and you looked as if you were dying.' I pulled closer to me as I saw the tears in her eyes and held her in my arms, gently my hand slid along the soft skin of her arm.

'I'm not dead Maerad. And I don't plan to die any time soon.' I tried to remember what she said while she slept as I paused 'I won't leave you Maerad. I think I can promise this much to you.' She nodded and smiled weakly at me. She closed her eyes and fell asleep in my arms. I closed my eyes and I listened to her soft breathing until I was fast asleep.

As I woke up the next morning the fire wasn't burning anymore, and Maerad was looking at me 'Good morning.' She said and rolled onto her back.

'Good morning.' I replied and yawned slightly.

'The innkeeper's wife was already here and brought some breakfast.' Maerad said and pointed to the food tray on the trunk at the end of the bed. I sat up and took one of the plates eating my mushrooms in silence, meanwhile Maerad drank her tea.

I lit a fire again and sat back down on the bed. Maerad was looking at me intently 'Can you tell me something again…' She smiled with hope and longing and curiosity shining through her eyes. I nodded slowly and thought about what I could tell her 'Could you tell me more about your time with Dernhil in Lirigon?' She said slowly.

'Didn't you say it hurt you?' She laughed softly at my words and shrugged. I smiled and thought about it.

'It was my birthday and the bards wanted me to celebrate with my family. But I couldn't besides the fact that they didn't want to, I didn't want to see them. Well I sat in my room and read some book Nelac gave me the other day as Dernhil came in. I didn't even look at him as I greeted him, I heard him placing something on our table and he walked closer to me again. He told me to stop reading and hugged me from behind. I turned around as he let go. On the table was a cake decorated with sugar mushrooms and candles and next to it were 2 packages, both from Dernhil of course.' I smiled at her and she turned crawling closer to me and placing her head on my stomach.

'As he wished me a happy birthday I hugged him again tightly and he dragged me to the table. I blew out the candles and well my only wish was that Dernhil would always stay a friend of mine. He forced me to open the presents. I took one of them and unwrapped it carefully it was one of Dernhils poems and the most beautiful I ever read. He smiled at me and forced the other present in my hands. I opened it and…It was a silver necklace with a black snake and…in silver letters was written Dernhil and Cadvan on the back of the snake.'

'Do you still have it with you?' I heard her soft voice asking and nodded.

'Just not around my neck anymore. It's too precious to me, I don't want to lose it. But yes, I always have it with me.' She smiled at me and I looked at her 'At his birthday I bought him a black necklace with a brown leaf on it where our names were written on the back and on the front was a poem I once wrote.'

'That's a wonderful idea Cadvan, I'm sure he loved it.' I laughed and nodded.

'Of course he did. He always wore it, until he died. You know…he was great, loving, caring and the best friend you can imagine to have. I think even if he didn't like it he'd still have worn it because it was from me.' I laughed and felt her gaze lingering on my face. She was so adorable and she didn't even notice it herself.

'I don't think so…I think he would have loved it no matter what because it came from you.' She whispered gently.

'I think you're right.' I hummed softly 'I will go down and get something to drink for us.' She nodded and lifted her head to let me stand up. I put on a black shirt and left the room soon after doing so. I leaned against the door and sighed, _why did I have to leave her now…I didn't even want to._ I went downstairs and saw the innkeeper at the bar.

'Good day Sire.' I said and faked a smile at him. 'A tea for my beautiful wife and ale for me.' I said and sat down as he handed me the glass with the ale._ Maerad…Why can't I ever tell you and why did you have to lie like that? Even the ale can't get my heart to calm down. Why does it have to be like that? And why did you look at me with such love and desire as I told you about Dernhil…it doesn't just hurt YOU._

'Sir, do you have any problems?' the innkeeper asked and I looked up at him shaking my head.

'Do you know if there's a jeweller around?' I asked and turned the empty glass between my fingers.

'Aye, you just go down the street a bit, won't take you long.' I nodded slowly

'I will be right back. Keep the tea warm meanwhile, would you?' He nodded and I headed out into the snow. Wandering down the street I started thinking about Maerad and Dernhil again. I sighed as I entered the jewellers store and looked around. 'Good day Sire.' I said to the shopkeeper and he smiled at me.

'Hallo, you looking for something special?' His voice was awful, high pitched and I could throw up just listening to it.

'Aye, A necklace for my beautiful wife.' I answered and pointed at a simple black necklace. 'This one should do I think, and this.' I pointed at a fire coloured lily and smiled at the man. He nodded and took it out for me. 'I want an imprint on the back of the lily and on the front too.' I told him and he nodded. I wrote it down for him and he read it carefully.

'I'll be finished tomorrow.' I nodded and handed him the coins to pay for it. I headed back to the inn and to Maerad. I took the tea and went up to Maerad.

'What took you so long Cadvan?' She asked, she stood at the window and turned around to look at me. I smiled softly.

'The innkeeper had to get tea for you.' I replied, I hated lying to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth now. She turned around again and sighed before she went back to bed and took the tea out of my hand. I sat down again on the bed and let myself fall backwards onto the bed.

'Tell me something Cadvan…' She said again and smiled 'You have such wonderful stories to tell.' She added quietly and drank from her cup.

'Hmmm, I don't know what I should tell you now.' I shrugged and looked into her eyes. 'You can ask me whatever you want Maerad.'

She looked thoughtful at me 'Did you ever love Dernhil?'

I laughed 'I already told you that Nelac wasn't completely mistaken. I suppose in some way I did. As a friend I surely did. He was a good kisser, but I think you know that already.' I winked at her and she laughed gently.

'And what about your skills?'

'I don't know. If you really want to know, you got to try it yourself.' My voice sounded strange, deep and rough and low. It was filled with longing and desire.

She blushed and looked thoughtful again 'Cadvan…what did you think…when you first met me?'

'I questioned myself why such a beautiful girl, with such a great gift is in such a bad place.' I answered truthfully.

'Tell me more about your time with Dernhil. Or how…how it has been with Ceredin…'

I didn't want to talk to her about Ceredin. But Dernhil again…'Once we…were fighting, it also was after the night at the ball. Dernhil was angry, some guys had made fun of him because they were jealous and I didn't do anything to defend him. I was speechless and Dernhil stormed out of the hall, I followed him and reached him just as he entered our room. He screamed at me and tears were running down his cheeks. I tried to calm him, but I just made it worse. He looked at me with fury in his eyes as he walked closer to me I stumbled backwards and fell onto my bed. I tried to hold onto something, and something had been Dernhil. He landed on top of me and looked into my eyes. As he closed them he let his head fall next to mine and cried again silently. We fell asleep like that after while. In the morning Nelac came in, he wanted to wake me and tell me something. But instead of softly waking me Nelac laughed as he saw us on my bed.' Maerad smiled gently and closed her eyes. Her even breathing told me that she slept.

The next morning I went to get the necklace I chose for Maerad, I was back before she was awake. After we broke our fast I looked at her intently 'Maerad, I have to give you something.' I took the small black box and gave it to her. She opened it and just stared at it, her eyes stood wide open.

'Cadvan and Maerad.' She read slowly to herself and looked at the other side of the lily 'I will stay with you forever, sweet maid.' She stared at me 'Oh Cadvan…it….it's wonderful.' She whispered and I closed the chain around her neck. She touched it with her fingers lightly as if it would break under her touch.

'I know, that's exactly why it suits you so perfectly.'

'Cadvan…' She whispered and bit her bottom lip as she took my hand in hers and she blushed 'I would really like to know about your kissing skills.'

'Maerad you don't-' She crawled closer to me and I felt her lips on mine in a gentle and loving kiss. That moment felt like a wonderful eternity. As she pulled away I brought my hand to her face and stroked her cheek lightly. I felt her shivering 'Maerad, don't do this if you don't want to…'

'I wanted it and…and you're wonderful Cadvan.'

'Maerad, honestly you don't need to do this just because…just because of my gift for you. I know you are scared of such things.'

'Cadvan, you don't understand this, yes I am scared in general, but not with you somehow. I never feared you and I…want a normal life, with you. You are the only stable and true thing in my life. I think I…I love you Cadvan.'

'I love you too Maerad, I already told you, I will always stay with you. I always feared that I…will never be able to tell you.'

She pulled me with her as she let herself fall onto the bed and kissed me lovingly. Her lips were slightly parted and I licked them gently to make her open it more as she did I danced around her tongue playfully with my own. I turned with her in my arms and she pulled away to look at me.

'It hurt you to hear about me and Dernhil-'

'Because I love you and I was jealous to hear it but you looked so happy.' She whispered and smiled, leaning her head against my chest.

**Hope you aren't to mad at me for Cadvans little secret. But that was the first thing that came to my mind as I thought about something Cadvan could tell her^^**

**Love**

**Tya**


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